It's March - Are you still working on behavior changes?

Today is the 1st Monday of the 3rd month of 2016.

By now, you should have your 1st goal on your New Year's resolution soundly planted in your life. If you have been working on the behaviors leading up to achieving that first goal then you have had 9 weeks to accomplish those tasks. Now you should be ready for that second goal.

If this is the first blog post you have read on this subject, then you'll have to go back and re-read the series. You see, I'm a firm believer that to reach the goals of our New Years Resolutions we have to work on the behaviors that drive the goals. On January 4th, I wrote a post about not focusing on the goals, but changing the behaviors.  If you need to, go back and review that post and then come back here.

In February, I wrote a post about picking up the hitchhiking resolutions. Picking up those goals that you self-determined would cost too much, you didn't have time to meet, were too hard to manage, or that took you too far outside of your comfort zone. I gave you three suggestions on how to pick up those goals and start over so that you could enhance your life and be better able to reach the pinnacle you had set for yourself. If you still have those hitchhiking resolutions, you need to go pick them up, re-read that post, and then come back here.

And so here we are. March. For those who have been working on those behaviors, getting them aligned with your goals, then you are well on your way to achieving that list of New Years Resolutions. Today, you need to start working on Goal #2.

Remember, we aren't going to let Goal #1 sit on the sideline. We are going to continue to do whatever behavior you had determined to change or do in order to reach that goal and we are going to add new behavior changes. Yes, these are baby steps in goal achievement. That's OK. Research has shown over and over that those who change small behaviors related to larger goals are more successful than those who change many behaviors at once.

So, once again, here we go. Take your Goal #2 from your New Years Resolution list and ...

1. Review where you are on the trajectory to Goal #1. Do you have some behavior changes to still make? Do you have to tweak some of those changes? Are you well on your way to accomplishing that goal? Make sure you are being reasonable and don't be so willing to make huge changes that will throw you off your game. Small, easily adaptable changes are the best. Those that take you out of your comfort zone a little but without plopping you into another country will be the most successful.

2. Determine what behaviors need to change to accomplish goal #2. Make the behavior changes small and incremental - what can you do in the next 30 days to change some of your behaviors that will ultimately get you to that goal. If you've already started to change some of those behaviors with the advancement of Goal #1 - GREAT! Overlapping behavior changes reinforces that those changes stay in place.

The most important thing to remember in this process is that we are the turtle and not the hare in this race. We know that small incremental changes will ultimately bring us to the finish line in December. Focus on the behavior(s) that will bring the most change and work on those.

3. Do not allow your criticism of yourself to be the biggest roadblock to meeting your goals. We are our own worst critic. Give yourself the time that you need to make changes. Your changes aren't always in a linear path? You veer off the path here and there throughout the month? So what,  it doesn't matter. The overall focus needs to be on the big picture - have you changed your behavior in such a way that you are closer to your goal today than you were yesterday? If the answer is yes ---- give yourself a pat on the back, pick up the pieces that have strayed, and get back on the road. If the answer is no --- OK, do the same, pick up the pieces that you dropped along the way, make a conscious decision to commit to change, and get back on the road.

Above all, realize that you are the only one standing between you and your accomplishment. Focus on the behavior change you need to make. Make this the restart and get going.

Have a great Monday!

Today's is the day for Big Talk!

Have you ever felt really alone? Ever felt that the world was so different from your own reality that
you didn't have a place? Ever felt that the support system you had suddenly shifted and they were no longer the support you needed?

I've been there, too. It is a very hard place to be. It is a lonely place to be.

I know how I got to that hard place and I can now see why I got there. But, in the midst of it all clarity was hard to find.

For me, it was the realization that I did not have the same experiences as my child was currently experiencing. I realized very quickly after she started school, that I was going to have to become a person that saw the world a bit differently than many of my friends saw the world. That was because many of the teachers, other students in class, and society as a whole saw my children differently than I did. See, I was a mother who was white, parenting a mixed child who was experiencing racism and discrimination for the first time. This racism and discrimination did not come from one group of people, it came from multiple groups.

How was I supposed to change my reality to fit my child's reality? Yes, I had been called names because of my relationship with their father. Yes, I had to deal with people terminating their relationship with me because of my marriage and children. Unless one knew my personal life these occurrences didn't affect me; I could easily go about my daily life without anyone ever knowing I may be different than they. My child didn't have that same experience.

I felt myself getting angry. I felt myself distancing myself from those around me. I felt myself cocooning myself up to supposedly protect me. My friends didn't understand what the problem was. There was really no one to talk to.

If I would have seen Kalina Silverman's TedTalk at that point, I may have realized what the problem was. I may have realized that instead of having these surface conversations with friends and family because that is what was most comfortable to them, I would have pushed the envelope to have the "big talk" conversation. I would have gotten to say what I needed to say. I wouldn't have been as angry and maybe some of my friends would have been able to help; to be a sounding board.

So, how is this part of Motivational Monday?

It is everything about being motivated.

In order for each of us to be the person we need to be
     To do the work we were created to do
          We must create the reality we need.

How in the world do we do that?

We do what Silverman did. We stop the small talk and we talk about what is below the surface. We start to actually connect. We start to share topics that really matter.

I know that when I finally made the jump, I was able to connect with a woman who I could finally open up to. I found a friend that I could just say whatever was the bee in my bonnet on that day. Most days she just listened, other days she agreed, and at times she told me my thoughts were not stuck in reality.

That, my friend is where you need to be. If you, like me and Silverman, are stuck in a place where you are slowly dying, where you are confused about what to do next, where you are feeling like a fish out of water, then you too need to start some big conversations.

I'd like to leave you with one statement from Silverman's presentation that made a big impact on me, "How can I take what I learned today to make my life different tomorrow?"

That is a big talk conversation starter.

Have a great Monday and start some big talks!

6 emotions needed to fuel motivation

By now you have your goals written down, your plan of action to achieve those goals, and the behavior changes you need to meet those goals. For those who have been reading my posts for a while, you know that the most successful way to reach your goals is to change your behavior. If you need a primer on that idea or you haven't heard of that idea before, here is a link to my earlier post titled, "Don't focus on the goal".

Finding one's purpose in life

Today's motivational topic is a bit different than just changing behavior. I was able to watch a Tony Robbins TedTalk. We all know Tony Robbins as a multi-millionaire motivational speaker. If you are like me, you may have some hesitancy in listening to Tony Robbins or his advice simply because he is a multi-millionaire. Well Tony wasn't always a rich guy talking on stage; he comes from pretty humble circumstances and he worked his way up to where he is today. For that very reason, he may be one of the best people to take advice from.

This isn't your traditional motivational video - it isn't filled with the positive self talk or the play on words that many have become so used to hearing when watching a motivational speaker. His talk is more about a person evaluating themselves and using that information to shape the person's destiny. Now, I'm not a believer in the whole if you follow your destiny you will be rich. Rather, I think following your destiny will bring you fulfillment. Actually, I don't even like to use the word "destiny"; I would much rather prefer the word "purpose". I do believe that this is Tony Robbins goal; explaining how finding one's purpose will bring fulfillment in life.

The word you use - destiny or purpose - is not the focus here. Finding out what emotion motivates you to move forward is the entire focus of this talk. Why are you motivated to make changes in the world around you, motivated to make changes in your home, to make changes in your life. Having the answers to these questions will either give you the push to accomplish those behavioral changes needed to meet your goals.

Six emotions that fuel motivation

He lists six needs that all human beings must fulfill. Each of them have corresponding emotions tied to them. Robbins' theory is very similar to another theory that I am very familiar with - Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. It is a motivational theory developed by American psychiatrist Abraham Harold Maslow. For me, the connection between Maslow's theory and Robbin's theory allows me to put more stock in Robbin's talk. I have more confidence in his expertise than I did before watching the video simply because I know from my own life that Maslow's theory is dead on.

According to Robbins, in order to be fulfilled each person must be able to realize the following needs:

• Certainty - The need to be comfortable. This includes the need to food, water, home of some sort, safety, etc. 
• Uncertainty - The need for variety. In order to be motivated to do what needs to be done, one cannot be bored. 
• Significance - The need to be important.  Each person has the desire to feel that they can make a difference in their own life or in the life of others.
• Connection and Love - The need to be connected to something other than oneself. This may be God, another human being, even a pet. 

The difference between people is not if one has the desire to achieve the needs above, that is a forgone conclusion. Each person must have the needs above and each person will figure out a way to get these needs. Rather, the difference is the level to which each person must have this need. Some people need more certainty than others, the need to feel significant may be higher for one person over another.  some need connection and love more than others. The point to motivation and reaching the next level is to determine what your highest driver is; where your emotion lies. Once that is determined, each person can then use that emotion to get to the next two points:

• Grow - The need to advance to push the mind and body to develop into more than they are today. 
• Contributing beyond yourself - The need to make a contribution to another person, a business, or the world as a whole better.

Your thoughts

The entire TedTalk is below. I think it would be interesting to hear what you think about the talk. Does it motivate you to look to those goals you wrote down in January? Does it motivate you to change some things in your life? 

Give me your feedback in the comments below or click on the Contact Me tab and send me a private message.

Above all --- make this Monday count!