Today's is the day for Big Talk!

Have you ever felt really alone? Ever felt that the world was so different from your own reality that
you didn't have a place? Ever felt that the support system you had suddenly shifted and they were no longer the support you needed?

I've been there, too. It is a very hard place to be. It is a lonely place to be.

I know how I got to that hard place and I can now see why I got there. But, in the midst of it all clarity was hard to find.

For me, it was the realization that I did not have the same experiences as my child was currently experiencing. I realized very quickly after she started school, that I was going to have to become a person that saw the world a bit differently than many of my friends saw the world. That was because many of the teachers, other students in class, and society as a whole saw my children differently than I did. See, I was a mother who was white, parenting a mixed child who was experiencing racism and discrimination for the first time. This racism and discrimination did not come from one group of people, it came from multiple groups.

How was I supposed to change my reality to fit my child's reality? Yes, I had been called names because of my relationship with their father. Yes, I had to deal with people terminating their relationship with me because of my marriage and children. Unless one knew my personal life these occurrences didn't affect me; I could easily go about my daily life without anyone ever knowing I may be different than they. My child didn't have that same experience.

I felt myself getting angry. I felt myself distancing myself from those around me. I felt myself cocooning myself up to supposedly protect me. My friends didn't understand what the problem was. There was really no one to talk to.

If I would have seen Kalina Silverman's TedTalk at that point, I may have realized what the problem was. I may have realized that instead of having these surface conversations with friends and family because that is what was most comfortable to them, I would have pushed the envelope to have the "big talk" conversation. I would have gotten to say what I needed to say. I wouldn't have been as angry and maybe some of my friends would have been able to help; to be a sounding board.

So, how is this part of Motivational Monday?

It is everything about being motivated.

In order for each of us to be the person we need to be
     To do the work we were created to do
          We must create the reality we need.

How in the world do we do that?

We do what Silverman did. We stop the small talk and we talk about what is below the surface. We start to actually connect. We start to share topics that really matter.

I know that when I finally made the jump, I was able to connect with a woman who I could finally open up to. I found a friend that I could just say whatever was the bee in my bonnet on that day. Most days she just listened, other days she agreed, and at times she told me my thoughts were not stuck in reality.

That, my friend is where you need to be. If you, like me and Silverman, are stuck in a place where you are slowly dying, where you are confused about what to do next, where you are feeling like a fish out of water, then you too need to start some big conversations.

I'd like to leave you with one statement from Silverman's presentation that made a big impact on me, "How can I take what I learned today to make my life different tomorrow?"

That is a big talk conversation starter.

Have a great Monday and start some big talks!

6 emotions needed to fuel motivation

By now you have your goals written down, your plan of action to achieve those goals, and the behavior changes you need to meet those goals. For those who have been reading my posts for a while, you know that the most successful way to reach your goals is to change your behavior. If you need a primer on that idea or you haven't heard of that idea before, here is a link to my earlier post titled, "Don't focus on the goal".

Finding one's purpose in life

Today's motivational topic is a bit different than just changing behavior. I was able to watch a Tony Robbins TedTalk. We all know Tony Robbins as a multi-millionaire motivational speaker. If you are like me, you may have some hesitancy in listening to Tony Robbins or his advice simply because he is a multi-millionaire. Well Tony wasn't always a rich guy talking on stage; he comes from pretty humble circumstances and he worked his way up to where he is today. For that very reason, he may be one of the best people to take advice from.

This isn't your traditional motivational video - it isn't filled with the positive self talk or the play on words that many have become so used to hearing when watching a motivational speaker. His talk is more about a person evaluating themselves and using that information to shape the person's destiny. Now, I'm not a believer in the whole if you follow your destiny you will be rich. Rather, I think following your destiny will bring you fulfillment. Actually, I don't even like to use the word "destiny"; I would much rather prefer the word "purpose". I do believe that this is Tony Robbins goal; explaining how finding one's purpose will bring fulfillment in life.

The word you use - destiny or purpose - is not the focus here. Finding out what emotion motivates you to move forward is the entire focus of this talk. Why are you motivated to make changes in the world around you, motivated to make changes in your home, to make changes in your life. Having the answers to these questions will either give you the push to accomplish those behavioral changes needed to meet your goals.

Six emotions that fuel motivation

He lists six needs that all human beings must fulfill. Each of them have corresponding emotions tied to them. Robbins' theory is very similar to another theory that I am very familiar with - Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. It is a motivational theory developed by American psychiatrist Abraham Harold Maslow. For me, the connection between Maslow's theory and Robbin's theory allows me to put more stock in Robbin's talk. I have more confidence in his expertise than I did before watching the video simply because I know from my own life that Maslow's theory is dead on.

According to Robbins, in order to be fulfilled each person must be able to realize the following needs:

• Certainty - The need to be comfortable. This includes the need to food, water, home of some sort, safety, etc. 
• Uncertainty - The need for variety. In order to be motivated to do what needs to be done, one cannot be bored. 
• Significance - The need to be important.  Each person has the desire to feel that they can make a difference in their own life or in the life of others.
• Connection and Love - The need to be connected to something other than oneself. This may be God, another human being, even a pet. 

The difference between people is not if one has the desire to achieve the needs above, that is a forgone conclusion. Each person must have the needs above and each person will figure out a way to get these needs. Rather, the difference is the level to which each person must have this need. Some people need more certainty than others, the need to feel significant may be higher for one person over another.  some need connection and love more than others. The point to motivation and reaching the next level is to determine what your highest driver is; where your emotion lies. Once that is determined, each person can then use that emotion to get to the next two points:

• Grow - The need to advance to push the mind and body to develop into more than they are today. 
• Contributing beyond yourself - The need to make a contribution to another person, a business, or the world as a whole better.

Your thoughts

The entire TedTalk is below. I think it would be interesting to hear what you think about the talk. Does it motivate you to look to those goals you wrote down in January? Does it motivate you to change some things in your life? 

Give me your feedback in the comments below or click on the Contact Me tab and send me a private message.

Above all --- make this Monday count!

Brene Brown - a brave conversation

I've posted a Ted talk by Brene Brown on the topic of identifying yourself. More accurately, not allowing your critics to identify you.

I'm a true fan of hers. Mainly because she dissects a thought - like critics and vulnerability - and  makes it understandable and relatable to me. With her common language and frank speaking she really touches on some main issues with me. I understand what she is saying and I am spurred to make changes in my life.

In this video - Living Brave with Brene Brown and Oprah Winfrey - I find some very key nuggets that I can actually use for my life.

The two comments that made the biggest impact on me are:

Change the narrative
Who do you think you are?

These two statements are personal to me. You see, I've had some very negative years in my late teens and early 20's. These years created many skeletons that for many years were hidden from everyone. It has taken a lot of self talk and faith in God to get to the place that I am today. Brene Brown would use the phrase - Change the narrative - in place of my phrase self talk. Basically, they mean the same thing.

• Talking to yourself in a positive manner.
• Turning off the constant tape running inside your head - usually negative
• Believing that you can be anybody you want to be

These naturally turn into - Who do you think you are.  I've actually had people ask me that. Those people who didn't want me to succeed - they asked, who do you think you are? I remember one such individual. For many years, I worked on different diversity initiatives in my community and eventually co-facilitated a discussion group on topics of diversity.  I remember opening an e-mail from an acquaintance. I recognized the name from my past - from those dark, skeleton forming days. I was nervous to open it; thought it may open a can of worms. The e-mail almost silenced my voice. She went into a long tirade of reminding me of who I was, what I've done, and who I will always be - in her mind. It took a lot for me to put a stop to the negative tape in my head. If it were not for the positive self talk, my faith in forgiveness, and those people close enough to accept me for all of me, I would have folded up the discussion group and walked away. After all, that felt much more safe.

I now know that when we've made huge mistakes in our lives and especially when those mistakes are publicized, we allow our lives to be defined by them. We allow the consequences of those mistakes to be so large that we can never crawl out from under them. We believe the inaccurate phrase - a zebra doesn't loose its spots. Well I lost mine. I've climbed out of that pit. I'm on the other side of the mountain.

My narrative has changed. Today, I know who I am. 

Take the next 20 minutes and listen to Brene Brown's interview of Oprah. I hope and pray that it will impact your life as much as it has mine.

Give me your feedback in the comments section. If your message is too personal, send me a message through my "Contact Me" page. 

Above all - remember to have those brave conversations with yourself and with others.

Monday Motivation - pick up those hitchhiking New Years resolutions

Today is the 2nd Monday of the 2nd month of 2016.

Where are your New Years goals?

If you are like most people, they are hitchhiking on the side of the road because you told them you didn't have time or money or patience for them.

Well, it's the start of the new week and here's how to get back on the wagon.

1. Figure out what you can do in 30 days.

Dust off those New Years resolutions. Take just a few minutes to figure out which ONE of those goals you can accomplish in 30 days. I didn't say try to do them all in 30 days. Break it down - what one item can you work on right now.

Give yourself a break and do this in a reasonable manner. After all, your sprint to the goal resolution finish line was unsuccessful. For a moment, be the turtle and not the hare.

2. Go back and watch my previous blog post Don't focus on the goal

There's some pretty good advice there for a Monday morning. Figure out what behaviors need to change in order for that ONE goal to be accomplished. You need to be more organized - what behaviors do you have to change in order for that to happen? Write those down and post them on your wall, your bathroom mirror, you entrance door so that every day, multiple times a day, you can see what you need to do.

By the end of 30 days you will be on your way to accomplishing the first goal.

3. Give yourself a break.

So, you had to make a u-turn and pick up those hitchhiking resolutions. So what. Who cares. Some of our most treasured accomplishments have taken more than one try to achieve. Don't limit yourself with time. Keep that time box open and gauge your success on how far you've come. Have a weight loss goal you want to get to, don't focus on the pound you want to loose this week - keep track of the steps you walked, the number of push ups you did, the number of servings of veggies you added to your diet. Make the goals and the steps to accomplishment small and achievable.

Give yourself a pat on the back when you've reached them.

Today is the start of the new you.

Share with us what your 30 day goal is going to be.

Sammy Rangel - a personal journey through forgiveness

To catapult off my earlier post on Forgiveness is the key to increasing personal growth, I found a video detailing a very personal story showing the importance of forgiveness.

Sammy Rangel details the horrific abuse he suffered by the hand of his mother. This abuse and his subsequent un-forgiveness hardened his heart to a degree most of us can only imagine. He became a gang member, an abuser, a murderer, a prison inmate, a person with no viable future. 

Until he met a doctor who asked Sammy about his relationship with his mother. Who ultimately asked him to do the unthinkable - to forgive her. Sammy's change in not only his life circumstances but also his spirit is personal example of forgiveness positively affecting your personal growth.

The video is just over 21 minutes long. Some of it is difficult to hear because of the abuse he endured, but I ask you to try to listen to his words, to his story. 

Share with us what you take away from this video. 

To learn more about Sammy Rangel's amazing journey of forgiveness and his community work, please visit http://theforgivenessproject.com/stories/sammy-rangel-usa/

Forgiveness is the key to increasing personal growth

I forgive you.

Three simple words that when said can free our mind and spirit so that we are able to walk forward towards our life goals.  Three simple words that when caught up in our mind and never vocalized or acted out will create a trench so deep it keeps us from ever realizing our life goals.

Forgiveness is key to so much of our life; more than any of us really give thought to.

What is forgiveness

It is important to understand what forgiveness is and what it is not.

In very general terms, forgiveness is the conscience giving up of resentment, pain, need for revenge, anger, and other negative emotions associated with being hurt. This forgiveness may be given to an individual person or a group of people.

To be very clear, forgiveness is not offered because the offending person or people deserve it. In actuality forgiveness has very little to do with the perpetrator of the hurt. It is equally important to remember that forgiveness is not something that happens one day and never has to be repeated. Forgiveness is work. This means that sometimes, forgiveness will have to happen on a daily basis over and over until the negative emotions are gone. This is especially true when the person that one has to forgive is themselves.

For those of us who have grown up in faith-based homes, the idea of forgiveness has usually been drilled in us. If you are like me, I often used those three little words out of context. I forgive you was sometimes said when I didn't really mean it. At the time, I thought I meant it, but in a few days when anger or bitterness would come to the fore front again I would allow the negative emotions to forge their way into my daily life. Eventually, I would realize it and once again would have to do the hard work of ridding my mind of those thoughts.  This is the real work that all of us must go through when forgiving others or ourselves.

Many people that I have talked to have said that they simply cannot forgive another person because they cannot accept the behavior. Forgiveness is not acceptance. Rather, it is the act of releasing any attachment to the negativity about a person, group of people, or event. Many times, real forgiveness means one can think about the hurt without getting overly emotional or having big reactions. The hurt no longer controls emotions of the forgiver.

Forgiveness also does not mean that the offending person or people are always allowed back into one's life. This is an important distinction. Remember, forgiveness is about the forgiver and not the offender. There are instances where it may not be safe for the offender to be allowed back into the forgiver's life. Same for those offenders who must gain back the trust of others before they are allowed back into a social circle; forgiveness does not equal trust. Remember, forgiveness is not for the offender but for the forgiver.

How does forgiveness affect personal growth

Psychologists and scientists have been studying forgiveness for many decades and have made a case that forgiveness isn't just important in faith-based homes. There is overwhelming evidence that the act of forgiveness increases ones general well being and happiness.  Here are a few examples:

• In a long-term study, victims of severe abuse were healed faster when forgiveness techniques were used in therapy.
• A group of researchers from Erasmus University's Rotterdam School of Management found that forgivers were able to perform better on challenging physical tasks.
• Science has shown that continually going over hurtful actions and continuing to live in the negative emotions will eventually raise blood pressure, may increase weight gain, and decreases the ability to focus or create new memories

Forgiveness can be described as a large rock in our path to reaching our personal goals. When living in negative emotions, it is very difficult to have the energy and clear thinking that problem solving and goal setting requires. This is especially true for self un-forgiveness. When we box ourselves into negative areas or put constraints around ourselves because we do not deal with certain situations, circumstances, or people, we severely limit our personal growth.

What are the steps to forgiveness

There are many books and websites that talk about the 10 ways or 15 ways to forgive others. Others say one can forgive someone in 3 easy steps. Forgiveness isn't easy and it doesn't track down even steps. It normally follows a very curvy road and sometimes that road turns back on itself delaying true forgiveness. How long  how many steps it takes to forgive is different for each of us. 

That  being said, Dr. Ned Hallowell has put together four very general principals that everyone can follow to take the road of forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge what happened.  

The most important step is to not ignore the hurt. Talk to someone you trust and let the emotions out. Cry, yell, scream, be mad about the situation, whatever has to happen to let that initial emotion out.  Acknowledge what the hurt has done to you or those around you. 

Some people describe this as feeling the pain. This simply means putting words to the pain or to the emotional feelings. If there have been years of un-forgiveness, you may want to acknowledge where the negative emotions of un-forgiveness have taken you. 

2. Relive and reflect

After you've had a chance to let the negative emotions out, look for that point of the hurt that is holding you back.  What part of the hurt continues to make you want to hold on to your anger and resentment? At this point, it is best to ask yourself what you want to turn the pain of the hurt into. 

Many find help in empathizing with the offender. This does not mean accepting the behavior of the person who hurt you or even accepting the person back into your life. Rather, it simply means trying to understand what un-forgiveness the offender may be dealing with in their own life and how their hurt may have lead to the hurtful experience you had with them.

3.  Working it out

This may very well be the hardest and longest step to forgiveness. Getting rid of the negative emotions that are holding you back is key to true forgiveness. Think back on step two and determine what you need to do to move forward.  

Often, forgivers find that prayer and meditation are useful during this step. To know that there is a higher power that can help you deal with the negative emotions is often a turning point. Also, think on those things you are thankful for and meditate on the positive points in your life. This type of positive behavior will reprogram the ever present tape in your mind. 

4. Renounce your anger and resentment

At this point, you need to make a decision to give up the anger and resentment. Giving it up, means you will continue to do each of the steps above until you can move ahead without the need to talk to others about it, relive and reflect on the hurt, or work out the emotion of the hurt. In time, the hurt will no longer have any hold on you or your emotions.

Remember, the act of forgiveness is not a one time fix and it doesn't happen in a linear movement. Forgiveness happens in cycles and sometimes your mind makes a u-turn taking you back down negative-emotion road. At this point, it is important to stop the negative behavior and return to the steps working through each one and releasing more negative emotions each time.