Forgiveness is the key to increasing personal growth

I forgive you.

Three simple words that when said can free our mind and spirit so that we are able to walk forward towards our life goals.  Three simple words that when caught up in our mind and never vocalized or acted out will create a trench so deep it keeps us from ever realizing our life goals.

Forgiveness is key to so much of our life; more than any of us really give thought to.

What is forgiveness

It is important to understand what forgiveness is and what it is not.

In very general terms, forgiveness is the conscience giving up of resentment, pain, need for revenge, anger, and other negative emotions associated with being hurt. This forgiveness may be given to an individual person or a group of people.

To be very clear, forgiveness is not offered because the offending person or people deserve it. In actuality forgiveness has very little to do with the perpetrator of the hurt. It is equally important to remember that forgiveness is not something that happens one day and never has to be repeated. Forgiveness is work. This means that sometimes, forgiveness will have to happen on a daily basis over and over until the negative emotions are gone. This is especially true when the person that one has to forgive is themselves.

For those of us who have grown up in faith-based homes, the idea of forgiveness has usually been drilled in us. If you are like me, I often used those three little words out of context. I forgive you was sometimes said when I didn't really mean it. At the time, I thought I meant it, but in a few days when anger or bitterness would come to the fore front again I would allow the negative emotions to forge their way into my daily life. Eventually, I would realize it and once again would have to do the hard work of ridding my mind of those thoughts.  This is the real work that all of us must go through when forgiving others or ourselves.

Many people that I have talked to have said that they simply cannot forgive another person because they cannot accept the behavior. Forgiveness is not acceptance. Rather, it is the act of releasing any attachment to the negativity about a person, group of people, or event. Many times, real forgiveness means one can think about the hurt without getting overly emotional or having big reactions. The hurt no longer controls emotions of the forgiver.

Forgiveness also does not mean that the offending person or people are always allowed back into one's life. This is an important distinction. Remember, forgiveness is about the forgiver and not the offender. There are instances where it may not be safe for the offender to be allowed back into the forgiver's life. Same for those offenders who must gain back the trust of others before they are allowed back into a social circle; forgiveness does not equal trust. Remember, forgiveness is not for the offender but for the forgiver.

How does forgiveness affect personal growth

Psychologists and scientists have been studying forgiveness for many decades and have made a case that forgiveness isn't just important in faith-based homes. There is overwhelming evidence that the act of forgiveness increases ones general well being and happiness.  Here are a few examples:

• In a long-term study, victims of severe abuse were healed faster when forgiveness techniques were used in therapy.
• A group of researchers from Erasmus University's Rotterdam School of Management found that forgivers were able to perform better on challenging physical tasks.
• Science has shown that continually going over hurtful actions and continuing to live in the negative emotions will eventually raise blood pressure, may increase weight gain, and decreases the ability to focus or create new memories

Forgiveness can be described as a large rock in our path to reaching our personal goals. When living in negative emotions, it is very difficult to have the energy and clear thinking that problem solving and goal setting requires. This is especially true for self un-forgiveness. When we box ourselves into negative areas or put constraints around ourselves because we do not deal with certain situations, circumstances, or people, we severely limit our personal growth.

What are the steps to forgiveness

There are many books and websites that talk about the 10 ways or 15 ways to forgive others. Others say one can forgive someone in 3 easy steps. Forgiveness isn't easy and it doesn't track down even steps. It normally follows a very curvy road and sometimes that road turns back on itself delaying true forgiveness. How long  how many steps it takes to forgive is different for each of us. 

That  being said, Dr. Ned Hallowell has put together four very general principals that everyone can follow to take the road of forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge what happened.  

The most important step is to not ignore the hurt. Talk to someone you trust and let the emotions out. Cry, yell, scream, be mad about the situation, whatever has to happen to let that initial emotion out.  Acknowledge what the hurt has done to you or those around you. 

Some people describe this as feeling the pain. This simply means putting words to the pain or to the emotional feelings. If there have been years of un-forgiveness, you may want to acknowledge where the negative emotions of un-forgiveness have taken you. 

2. Relive and reflect

After you've had a chance to let the negative emotions out, look for that point of the hurt that is holding you back.  What part of the hurt continues to make you want to hold on to your anger and resentment? At this point, it is best to ask yourself what you want to turn the pain of the hurt into. 

Many find help in empathizing with the offender. This does not mean accepting the behavior of the person who hurt you or even accepting the person back into your life. Rather, it simply means trying to understand what un-forgiveness the offender may be dealing with in their own life and how their hurt may have lead to the hurtful experience you had with them.

3.  Working it out

This may very well be the hardest and longest step to forgiveness. Getting rid of the negative emotions that are holding you back is key to true forgiveness. Think back on step two and determine what you need to do to move forward.  

Often, forgivers find that prayer and meditation are useful during this step. To know that there is a higher power that can help you deal with the negative emotions is often a turning point. Also, think on those things you are thankful for and meditate on the positive points in your life. This type of positive behavior will reprogram the ever present tape in your mind. 

4. Renounce your anger and resentment

At this point, you need to make a decision to give up the anger and resentment. Giving it up, means you will continue to do each of the steps above until you can move ahead without the need to talk to others about it, relive and reflect on the hurt, or work out the emotion of the hurt. In time, the hurt will no longer have any hold on you or your emotions.

Remember, the act of forgiveness is not a one time fix and it doesn't happen in a linear movement. Forgiveness happens in cycles and sometimes your mind makes a u-turn taking you back down negative-emotion road. At this point, it is important to stop the negative behavior and return to the steps working through each one and releasing more negative emotions each time.